I want to die today. These words of been on my lips every time I wake for the past few days. The terrible things never end. And August seems to be the worst for these things. This day last year I was raped, and two weeks before that I almost successfully killed myself. And everything that has been happening lately. Whatever progress I’ve made laughed at. I feel so alone and maybe it’s better that way. I feel like I’m not sure my phone actually exists like maybe I’m just punching buttons in a calculator hoping someone will be there. But there is no one, and nothing. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of dying. It’s the only escape from all of this. And that shit pile is the biggest it’s ever been. I don’t live day to day. I live in moments.
Little Problems: The kids section has the cutest stuff, and it makes me sad they never make anything like it for adults.
I’m a tree without roots
I am still and silent
I am tense like a bowstring
Crescent moons form in my palms
droplets of blood tell me
I have been clenching my fists for I don’t know how long
Maybe not a bowstring
but a violin string pulled taught
aching to play
"Old Ludwig Van’s dreaded 9th"
Where crescent moons become crescendos
and I will be still no more
This little guy fell off the roof at work today. We gave him water and food and he seems okay now, he’s alert and moves well. We saved him from being put down by the humane society and put him back in the general area his mama lives in. I named him sly, like sly cooper from the video game!
I started a blog! Where I troll on dating sites and post the weird messages I get. Submit yours today!
The hospitals don’t help you
Unless you’re dying or going to.
I know this because
I’ve been 3 times this year.
How do you explain that
I won’t kill myself now
But if something bad happens
I won’t be able to stop myself.
Because I dream of bursting
Into a thousand atoms
And blowing away in the wind.
How I regret getting into a lovers car
Instead of laying down
in the snow that night.
half naked and tears freezing to me
I spend most nights alone
Reading the words of brilliant writers
Singing their most beautiful songs
Langston Hughes wrote
a single line
I can’t get out of my head
"The calm, Cool face of the river Asked me for a kiss."
- eiramenna onalis
You know what a synonym for cruel is? Inhuman. It’s funny because we are the only reason there is need for the existence of that word. The only creatures who willfully cause pain, who make suffer.
Little me is getting excited about father’s day for all the wrong reasons.
"Oh how you cute!
You have your father’s eyes,
and your mother’s lips”
But what you don’t hear is:
You have your father’s paranoid delusions!
His addictive personality!
and his affinity for violence!
I never heard them say:
You have your mother’s crippling depression!
Her attraction to people who are no good for her!
and her inability to leave!
And I can take the eyes they gave me and I can see
I’ve done terrible things
I’ve felt terrible things
and I can’t stop
When you stop doing drugs, everything feels new again.
Or maybe you just pick up where you left off.
Suddenly your that painfully awkward teen again
and being social and sober is like your first high school dance.
I was a better person when I did drugs.
I forgot why I stopped
I try to remember
Does it count if I only feel nostalgic?
It still lives in my brain, and calls me sometimes.
You hope it’s like your phone ringing
With your grandmother on the line,
who you don’t have time for any more.
But you know you’ll regret not talking sooner
But it sounds like the horn from a shiny red car
sitting out front of your shitty house; engine revving.
And your ex lover who was no good for you
is sitting in that car with a big bag of money
saying “Get in”
I’m haunted by all the things that I am not